I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
