I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
