i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
