Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
