i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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