i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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