my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
