but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
