im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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