So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
