The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
