the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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