Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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