If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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