Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
