I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
