You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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