Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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