i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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