Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
