What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize