My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
