If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
