It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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