u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize