no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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