don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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