false alarm. still invincible.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
