Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
