Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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