I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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