Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Houston, we have a squirter
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize