She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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