Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
