Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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