Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
