i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
