Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
