Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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