the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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