My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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