Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
