i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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