i think my tv is drunk
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize