oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
