I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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