I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
