I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He better not be in your backpack
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
