we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
