If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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