remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
