If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
