My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize