i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
