dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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