I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
