If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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