I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
