My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
