dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
