I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
