My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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